“The results of not practicing Tough Love”
Earlier in my life in a previous marriage I became a step-father to three children. When I married their Mother, the youngest boy was age six named _ _ _ _. _ _ _ _ was both a druggie, thief and mentally unbalanced. I suspect the mental problems came from his Father at his own birth since his real Father died of a drug overdose.
The boy for fourteen years of that marriage brought me nothing but pain and grief each day of that marriage. When it came to choosing between me or him by now my ex-wife of more than thirty years ago, she choose him. He destroyed her life both from a mental point of view beside a financial one.
Today my ex lives in the same now broken down home because of this boy who today in his late forties has been in and out of prison and more than likely is living with her. His life and her life are a great example of what “Tough Love” and its lack of on her part, is all about. The following poem is on the first page of my first published poetry book.
The house was saddened. Though occupied it appeared not. The uncut hedge nearest the street rose to a height of many feet. The brushes around the house had not been trimmed in close to a year. Amidst peeling paint and wild dandelions in the yard was a yearning for love which the house received year’s past. Inside the home pale and yellowed walls reflected the internal sickness that destroyed the love of its adult inhabitants. A sickness born of a young mind bounded by the disciplines of evil in his youth. Torn wallpaper marked the first surrender of this youth’s mother to a childish whim in year’s past. Pride departed now shown in the dishes and pots piled on the kitchen sink with crusted leftovers from last week. The curtains were partly open from a previous night not for the sun of day but a beacon to unwelcomed intruders of night by the youth of the house. The smell of evil engulfed the house. A pungent sickly odor exhaled by the youth of the house which brought the gaze of forgetfulness to the point of nowhere. He sat proudly overseeing his domain. His position secure to sleep to play to reach new highs in his world of bright lights and swirling thoughts. He had won. He now had his mother his protector and provider all to himself. The man of the house which became no one departed with his things. The youth laughed and laughed in sheer joy at his victory.
I only have a moment today but read this blog in my email and felt I had to respond… It’s just my philosophy, but I think our lives are shaped by our choices. I’m sorry that your now ex-wife made some choices that ending up bringing so much grief, but at the time, I’m sure she felt she had to for some reason. I know when my son was young, he could be difficult too. I’ll never forget my mother telling me I needed to choose what I wanted for MY life because no matter how much I loved my son, he would one day grow up and away and have his own family. That was so hard to do… but God knew best. I felt He guided me or maybe just took care of things on His own so that they turned out for the best. My son joined the Air Force at 17 and I had to sign for him to get in early. (He graduated HS early) I’ll never forget the feeling of when they mailed back his clothes to me when he went to basic training. It hurt my heart, but it was the best thing for my son. Today he is a grown man, married, with my angel of a grand-daughter, and has a heart of gold. He is kind, thoughtful, and often bears the weight of others problems on his shoulders as well as his own. Sometimes we have to let go of our children so they learn to make their own way since it will be their own life they will be living, not ours. I still tell my kids that…. that I can tell them what I think, but all decisions are ultimately theirs & they have to look at things from every perspective before making their decision…. often their decisions not only impact their lives, but the lives of others, so not to just jump to a quick decision. Excellent post John! I’m sorry you had to go through that, but God had other plans for your life I think. Even when we think He isn’t helping & our hearts are breaking, He really is, and years later we can see if we look back on how things turned out. (just my opinion)
We are all a product of our parents. From a bibical point of view, we are to honor our Mother and Father, but I believe for that commandment to hold true, parents should be in the catergory of being able to honor themselves first. I like your son, quite school as an honor student at 17 and went into the Air Force Force for four years of active duty. While in the service I was offered a commission to go to OCS and held highly responsiblility positions in the service as an Administrative Specialist with a NatoCosmic Top Secret clearance, the highest security rating any enlisted person can receive, especially as a twenty year old. The reason I went into the service and walked away from a paid scholarship to Pratt Institute in New Yoirk City was I had a belly-full of my own parents.